A man trusts a woman when he feels she trusts his leadership/decision making skills, supports his endeavors, has his back through thick and thin, she’s sexually satisfied and is basically his number 1 fan!
Fidelity plays a role in building trust, but it’s not number one on their list like it is ours.
Essentially you have an impact on his love meter, so it’s in your best interest to learn how to meet their very simple basic needs consistently if you want him to only have eyes for YOU.
If you do this you will get what you want in return! If you don’t see results and you feel you are hitting a wall you could possibly benefit from some guidance to help you discover what is truly at the core of the disconnect.
Keep in mind you both have needs, and in order for the relationship to thrive, there must be a mutual respect and desire to reciprocate those needs. If you’re doing all the things your man could ask for, and if he has unresolved emotional issues, nothing you do will be enough. He’ll eventually find ways to sabotage the partnership, despite your efforts.
When women make men feel any of the following negative emotions:
Disrespect Anger Frustration Disappointment Resentment Hurt
It causes the following “symptoms”: they pull away, say hurtful things, disconnect, withhold love/attention/affection, etc. All of the things that drive us crazy. Realize that what you do or say has a direct affect on how well he trusts you. How well he trusts you determines how well he treats you and how close emotionally he will feel connected to you. The stronger the emotional connection the deeper level of intimacy you can have with your man. Trust is the key to capturing their heart.
SIDENOTE: Some men have serious trust issues, not just in the sense that they are jealous…it’s more like they continually second guess your intentions and motives when it comes to words and actions. Again, these issues typically stem from unresolved childhood pain, and/or past heartache.
BASIC NEEDS FOR MEN & WOMEN –
Men feel loved when they feel respected, appreciated, desired, supported and needed. This is how a woman will gain his trust and devotion. Women feel loved when they are respected, appreciated, desired, supported and protected. This is how a man will gain her trust and devotion.
Notice our basic needs are similar… just two differences, but they are big ones. Women are wired to look for men to “protect” them. This is why security is important to us. It’s not only that we want to know that a man can financially take care of us and a family, but we also need to know we are physically, mentally and emotionally safe with them too.
Safety and protection, are not at the top of men’s list for obvious reasons. Instead they want to know their woman needs them.
Not in a needy, I can’t be alone and need you to do everything for me…KIND OF WAY. Look at it more like, he wants to be your “hero” from time to time. He doesn’t have to save you from a fire in order for you to make him feel this way.
Any time he solves or fixes one of your problems (it doesn’t matter how small or big it is) he feels good inside. He then connects those good sensations to YOU. So, if you are one of those women who feels like, I can take care of this myself.…see if it’s something he is willing to do for you, then give him praise and thanks afterwards.
Here are a few common mistakes women make and the negative emotion(s) it triggers in men:
1. COMPLAINING. When we complain it causes them to feel frustrated and/or disappointed. It doesn’t matter what you are complaining about, and it’s worse when it’s about him. Complaining doesn’t have the same effect on us as it does men which is why women can vent to each other more easily, but even we have our limits.
When a women complains to a man, especially when it’s about him, they will typically want to distance themselves, disconnect, or withhold love affection and attention. Hearing you complain makes them feel a sense of helplessness which causes a feeling of insecurity. Not to mention it can be very annoying which makes us less appealing/attractive.
If you keep getting on your man about something it’s probably because you’re having a hard time communicating your needs and wants effectively. If your message isn’t “getting through” to him then you could need some guidance from an outside source. I’ve helped many women bridge the communication gap with their man and now they are getting more of what they want and need with less battles. There are exceptions to these rules and it’s usually when a man has deeper rooted issues that doesn’t allow him to see you as an equal.
SIDENOTES:· Be careful of the words ALWAYS and NEVER. Best not to use them especially during heated moments. Both should try to refrain from using them since they tend to really push buttons. Ex. “You NEVER help me in the kitchen.” Ladies, I’m sure there was that one time he washed the dishes and he’ll be sure to remind of you it.
·Men look for solutions, so if you just want to vent about something and you aren’t looking for advice tell him before you start talking. This helped me tremendously. Before sharing I tell him, “this is one of those times I just need you to listen.” It works like a charm.
2. CRITICISM. When you criticize, tear him down, or ridicule him in any way (little or big) it causes a level of anger, disrespect, resentment, hurt and/or embarrassment. It’s worse if you do it in front of others. If we regularly tear our men down and make them feel disrespected it affects their level of confidence.
Instead of coming from this perspective… “I’m going to focus on what he does wrong (aka not the way I’d do it) and it’s my job to point out his mistakes and flaws” switch your mentality to “how is he assisting me and how is he trying to show me he cares”. Many times it’s difficult for us to see these things when we ourselves are hurting, but if you seek you will find.
Just like men can make women feel insecure, women can make men feel insecure too. This is where the disconnect begins between couples. Over time the gap gets bigger and bigger. The more insecure we make each other feel (consciously or subconsciously) the more we start to withhold love, and that’s when the “game” begins.
I’m not changing until he does, and vice versa. This attitude only leads to unhappiness and dissatisfaction in the relationship. This is why humility goes a long way when it comes to creating healthy relationships.
The game changer usually starts with us, because as women we genetically were given the role of love leaders. By nature love and nurturing are feminine traits. Instead of being upset about our role as the leaders of love in our relationships, we need to learn to embrace it. Basically we have our hands on the steering wheel which means we have more power than we realize.
Remember, a secure man is a happy man. A happy man is usually a faithful man. So ladies, build your men up, support them, love them and they will naturally share the love we so deeply desire from them.
Sidenote: If a man has personal, internal struggles that make him feel inadequate and/or insecure, no amount of love and support will fill that hole. You can give him your whole heart and it won’t be enough to make him feel secure. This dynamic will only cause you pain. I had to personally experience this discomfort.
3. CONTROL. Men don’t respond well when being told what to do. Whether it’s tasks around the house, or emotional needs for yourself. It makes them feel disrespected, angry or frustrated. It’s all in your delivery. Women must learn how to express their needs and wants in a way that doesn’t cause a man to feel like he’s being treated like a child.
“Why haven’t you taken the trash out it’s the one thing I ask” vs. “Babe when you have a moment do you mind taking the trash out I’d really appreciate it.”
“You never compliment me.” vs. “I really love hearing you tell me I look nice it makes me feel good.”
SIDENOTE: If they have an “avoidant attachment style”, it is very possible you can communicate effectively and still not get your message through.
Another mistake we make is asking them to do something without any regard to what he may be doing in the moment. It’s a respect thing for them. The thing about men is they tend to keep how they feel about something inside and it builds up over time. By giving men a choice in the matter, and asking lovingly they are more inclined to fulfill our requests.
The last thing men want to do is “fix and solve problems” after they have been doing it for last 8- 10 hours at work. They need unwind time. Do your best to greet him kindly when coming home from work, because it can set the mood for the entire day/night and then give him some breathing room.
A good rule of thumb is if they are coming off of over exerting their mind or body (ex. After they come home from work) it’s probably not the best time to vent about your day, give him a to-do list, or discuss unpleasant news. Instead ask them to let you know when might be a good time to discuss or share whatever it is you want to talk about.
IF YOU START to do the following for your man on a daily basis he will begin to feel closer and more connected to you. THE KEY IS CONSISTENCY!
Showing your appreciation for what he is doing right and complimenting goes a loooong way. Basically when opportunities arise that allow you to be his biggest cheerleader jump on it!!
Thank him for the little things he does. Show him love through touch. Give him a big spontaneous hug once in a while or random kiss. They like it just like we do.
On that note, couples who aren’t in a long distance relationship shouldn’t go more than 30 days without sex (and that’s already pushing it). The more sex the better. If there are medical reasons for it, that is understandable. In that case you can still make time just for restorative, loving touch. If your excuse is we are too busy, or tired….then schedule it on your calendar like you do everything else. It may not be spontaneous, but making time for it is crucial if you want to maintain a strong intimate connection with your partner.
And, up your self care game so you regulate your stress instead of letting it build up. You'll feel less tired if you take care of yourself properly. (check out the 4 pillars of life - balanced living)
There are so many health and relationship benefits your receive from having sex due to the powerful bonding chemicals and immune boosting chemicals released. They also help keep us looking young, which explains the after-sex glow. If that isn’t an incentive I don’t know what is!? In all seriousness, when there is love, understanding, respect and a true desire to make each other FEEL GOOD, sex can be used for rejuvenating your body, mind and soul.
If you feel you are doing your best to build trust with your man and he’s still not reciprocating the love and respect then it may be time to reevaluate your relationship. At the end of the day it takes two to nurture a relationship so your equally fulfilled and satisfied. If you want your relationship to thrive you both have to put in some work.
**SPECIAL OFFER** Relationship Rescue Session! Email janie@janieterrazas.com for details.