It’s easy to lose sight of the most important things in life when you lose yourself in the day-to-day hustle and bustle of the world. When you’re in a relationship, especially if you have kids and a busy work schedule, your partner can easily take a back seat.
Usually it starts with a few days that go by where you feel like you barely speak, or touch. Before you know it, days turn it into weeks, then days turn into months. It’s no surprise many people say they fall “out of love”. Partners can easily turn into two ships that just pass each other in the night.
Sometimes we feel like we don’t have the time for our partners, but we have to MAKE THE TIME. It’s unrealistic to think you can maintain a passionate connection if you don’t do the little things on a daily basis to keep it ALIVE! This is why I created The R.A.D. Love Deeds. They support my couples program Mindful Love: Building SAFE REALationships that Thrive, which is based on The S.A.F.E. Communication Method.
All men and women want to feel Respected, Appreciated and Desired in relationships. The deeds, which are listed for you below, are healthy relationship habits that you can do on a daily basis to make each other feel R.A.D. They also act as a buffer to balance out the times you all unintentionally hurt, or disappoint one another.
When we set a daily intention to make our partner feel “rad”, it allows us to stay connected even on those busy days.
We have to ask ourselves, why do we get into relationships in the first place? It certainly isn’t just to have a warm body around to look at. It’s our nature as human beings to connect with others to share the energy of LOVE. Relationships when nurtured properly can be a source of fun and rejuvenation. If neglected, your partnership can easily become a pain in your neck, and an additional stressor in life. This happens when you ignore each other’s core safety needs and healthy desires.
If you and your partner want to maintain a passionate connection, a strong friendship is key. When couples stop doing the little things to make one another feel Respected, Appreciated, and Desired (R.A.D.) they slowly start to drift apart. Falling into a day-to-day routine with one another is normal especially if you live together. But, if each of you don’t make the MINDFUL effort to show you care on a consistent basis, the magic eventually wears off.
Both, friendship (the emotional connection), and passion (the physical connection) are equally important. I like to use the analogy of a plant and a campfire to symbolize them, respectively. If you don’t water the plant it will wilt, and if you don’t tend to a campfire it burns out. What you do for one another, and how you treat each other outside of the bedroom has a direct impact on the passion. If you want to keep your flame burning strong, then don’t lose sight of making sure you stay connected emotionally and physically with one another on a daily basis.
It’s unreasonable for couples to expect to have AWESOME days, every day. You aren’t always going to get along like two peas in a pod, however if you truly want to avoid common relationship pitfalls, putting in some work is essential. This is how you’re going to fall deeper in love overtime, instead of “falling out of love”.
I’ve found that couples who are deeply devoted and trustworthy of one another, consistently do their best to make their partner feel Respected, Appreciated and Desired (R.A.D.). This has proven to keep couples connected leading to a stronger bond overall.
When couples stop laughing together, being playful with one another and have little to no sex, they start to “lose the spark” that attracted them in the first place. The goal of the R.A.D. Love Deeds is to maintain that connection so couples can sustain happy, longevity, instead of becoming a statistic. All couples are different, so together you can go through these and give each other specific ideas on what would make you all feel R.A.D.!
RESPECTED
Honor Your Word – If you say you’re going to do something, always do your best to honor it. This helps establish trust, which leads to respect. You want your actions to match your words the majority of the time, no matter how small or big of an agreement it is.
Example: If you continually say you’ll take out the trash before you leave to work, but rarely follow through, it begins to tarnish your trust factor.
Be Kind – Do not use your words to put one another down. Instead use them to lift each other up. In times of conflict it’s common for couples to say harsh words out of spite. This isn’t always easy to refrain from, but it would benefit you greatly to get into the practice of learning how to handle your triggers and conflict in a healthy manner. At the very least, do your best to refrain from cussing at one another, and going below the belt.
Family/Friends Bashing Off Limits - Do not put down the family, or friends of your partner.
Even if they start to vent about them, it’s best you don’t chime in no matter how justified you feel you are, because it can go South fast. You can share your concerns about someone, as it relates to how it is hurting your relationship. But, it’s up to your partner to listen and respect your feelings or not. If they disregard them, you can choose to accept that, get a mediator to help you bridge the gap of understanding, or move on.
Show Your Support – Making your partner feel proud of their accomplishments, talents, skills and/or encouraging them to pursue their dreams, aspirations and endeavors goes a long way. You want to be each other’s #1 Fan! If you feel jealous of your partner you shouldn’t ignore these feelings. Envy of any kind can toxify a union over time.
Acknowledge Bids for Attention – If your partner is sharing something that is of importance, or of interest to them, be respectful and offer your full attention. Top relationship researcher John Gottman, says “turning towards bids” versus “turning away”, is the ultimate determining factor for success in marriage. In a newlywed study, newlyweds who were still married six years after their wedding had turned towards each other 86% of the time while in the lab. Those who were divorced six years later, however, had only turned towards each other 33% of the time.
Listen Actively & Compassionately – When either of you want to have a S.A.F.E. talk about something that is bothering you, do your best to offer your undivided attention and listen with compassionate care.
Being fully present and truly doing your best to understand where they are coming while hearing them out allows them to feel connected, secure and loved by you. I highly recommend you watch the following video on COMPASSIONATE LISTENING also known as active listening. https://youtu.be/lyUxYflkhzo
It’s about listening with the heart, instead of the head. It’s learning to be open and empathetic to hearing your partners pain, or concerns from the observation and reflection point of view…not blame and shame.
APPRECIATED
Saying Thank You – You can never give too much appreciation for what your partner does for you and/or the family. Don’t forget to say thank you even for the mundane things, like grocery shopping, taking out the trash, washing the car, cutting the grass, doing the bills…showing appreciation for these things goes a long way.
Love Languages – Gift Giving, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time. Doing your best to express your partner’s love language shows you care and appreciate them. Don’t let days go by without showing their kind of love. Here is a video that breaks them down. https://youtu.be/doRMsjoDevY
Focus On The Positives – It’s easy to focus on what you feel your partner is doing wrong, especially if you have been together for a while. In some cases, you might feel the need to point out these “negatives” on a regular basis. In those moments when you feel compelled to say something negative, stop and ask yourself, what your true intention is and whether the comment you’re about to make is necessary.
It’s ok to address certain actions that your partner is doing that could use some constructive feedback and course correction. If you feel it’s important to address something, because it is creating disharmony or harm, then a S.A.F.E. talk would be a better option.
Overtime this personal insight will help you grow and evolve into better version of yourselves. Feedback is rooted in good intention, timing and delivery…criticism is not. Being able to offer and receive this information, safely and lovingly is part of developing emotional intimacy. It’s about observation and reflection, not blame and shame.
When you acknowledge actions that you appreciate it builds closeness, so do you best to balance out the scales of the negatives and positives.
DESIRED
Compliment – Complimenting one another keeps the attraction alive. Telling a woman she’s funny, smart, pretty, cute, beautiful, sweet, hot, sexy, with sincerity typically sends positive feel good signals to the mind, body and heart. Men also like to know their woman finds them irresistible, clever and charming.
Compliments don’t always apply to our looks. Complimenting each other for the things you admire about one another will also help build a strong connection.
(Sidenote: It is possible to go overboard with compliments, so check in with your partner to be sure you aren’t on this side of the scales for them.)
Be Playful & Spontaneous – Life is full of adult responsibilities. Sometime we have overloaded to-do lists and schedules that can easily create stress, which leads to tension and irritability. Too much structure and not enough spontaneity can also cause us to feel constricted.
This energy can bleed over into partnerships and create conflict if we let it. That’s why making time to play and let loose regularly, like big kids, can do wonders for the health of your connection and your personal well-being.
Your relationship can become stale if you stop trying new things together and making new memories that light up laughter, as well as feelings of carefreeness. Dancing and singing together are simple ways to playfully connect, plus they are excellent stress relievers.
“Playing is just as important for adults as it is for children. Among its many benefits, adult play can boost your creativity, sharpen your sense of humor, and help you cope better with stress. All in all, the research is abundantly clear: Playing as an adult has significant benefits for our mental and physical health.” Saya Des Marais, MSW Source
Touch – Touch stimulates the release of the “love hormone”, oxytocin, which enhances a sense of trust and attachment. When a couple makes it a point to hold hands, sit close to each other on the couch when they watch TV, cuddle in bed, give spontaneous hugs, kiss one another goodbye and hello, a touch on the back while they are washing dishes…it sends a strong bonding message to your partner and makes your sexual connection even richer.
“Touch strengthens relationships and is a marker of closeness… The stronger the reciprocity, the more likely someone is to report emotional intimacy and satisfaction with the relationship,” says, Laura Guerrero, coauthor of Close Encounters: Communication in Relationships.
“Touch can strongly transmit a sense of being accepted and cared for — the emotional benefits. Touch also confers physiological benefits. In one study, partners were found to have lower levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, on days when they enjoyed higher levels of physical touch like hand holding or hugging.” Source
CLOSING THOUGHTS...
People think the passion and connection they have at the start of their relationship will last a lifetime without having to make much of an effort. The truth is if both of you want to remain connected and grow deeper in love, you must mindfully nurture your relationship.
To have the attitude and intention of, “I’m in this to Master Mindful Love” will increase the chances of success.
Making The R.A.D. Love Deeds part of your daily practice can also increase your chances of creating a fulfilling, bond that is divine.
I believe in the 80/20 relationship ratio. At least 80%, or more of the time, you and your partner should be happy in the relationship. That leaves 20% or less to be in conflict, or at odds with one another. I see those moments between couples, as IRON sharpening IRON. They are opportunities to bring you deeper into understanding unconditional love and closeness.
THE GOOD NEWS is that when you learn to build a safe partnership, anything that causes conflict, can be settled in a mature, mindful way. This offers space for reSOULution to take place. The more you practice it, the better you get.
If you are chronically unhappy, and are constantly at each other’s throat more often than not, then it could be time to reevaluate your relationship goals, intentions and habits.
You can try using the R.A.D. Love Deeds to reconnect and reignite the spark that initially joined you together, but if that doesn't work some coaching could put you all back on the right track.
Check out www.TheMindfulLoveChallenge.com for info on my online couples course.